Frozen Peas

Igor Writes-

Ok, back to silly stuff.

LOLPRESIDENT!





Some of my friend will be aware of The Cube, and Cube 2:Hypercube. What you might not be aware of is that those movies were based on an obscure TV special from 1969. Did I mention that it was directed by Jim Henson? Muppets? What?

I won't embed it here, because it is an hour long, but I greatly recommend that you watch it, because it is truly amazing. Link.

Finally, an oldie but a goodie. Thanks for Kevin for reminding me about it.

On a serious note...

Igor Writes-

If you've been Digging or Redditing lately, you'll already know about this. However, this was so shattering to my perceptions that I simply had to post it up.

Many of you will recall the media's slandering of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. One of the major arguments that was used to label him "crazy" was that he had, in October of 2005, called for Israel to be "wiped off the map".

Now, there are a number of things wrong with this. First, if you've ever actually seen Ahmadinejad speak (like on 60 minutes, where he trounced his interviewer), you already know he isn't "crazy". In fact, he's rational, intelligent, but tends to say things that makes Americans unhappy.

Now, about "wiping Israel off the map".

It never happened. He never said it.

It was a mistranslation.

This article dives deeper into it:

So what did Ahmadinejad actually say? To quote his exact words in Farsi:

"Imam ghoft een rezhim-e ishghalgar-e qods bayad az safheh-ye ruzgar mahv shavad."

That passage will mean nothing to most people, but one word might ring a bell: rezhim-e. It is the word "regime." pronounced just like the English word with an extra "eh" sound at the end. Ahmadinejad did not refer to Israel the country or Israel the land mass, but the Israeli regime. This is a vastly significant distinction, as one cannot wipe a regime off the map. Ahmadinejad does not even refer to Israel by name, he instead uses the specific phrase "rezhim-e ishghalgar-e qods" (regime occupying Jerusalem).

So this raises the question.. what exactly did he want "wiped from the map"? The answer is: nothing. That's because the word "map" was never used. The Persian word for map, "nagsheh" is not contained anywhere in his original Farsi quote, or, for that matter, anywhere in his entire speech. Nor was the western phrase "wipe out" ever said. Yet we are led to believe that Iran's president threatened to "wipe Israel off the map." despite never having uttered the words "map." "wipe out" or even "Israel."

Basically, it was a call for a REGIME CHANGE. Heard that anywhere before? I do believe our president called for the exact same thing in Iraq.

More than that, he was QUOTING the late Ayatollah Khomenei to begin with!

Now consider that the two main arguments for war with Iran are that 1)Their leader is insane, and 2)They will have nukes!

For reasons we've already discussed, he isn't crazy. And if (and I use IF strongly, since I can't possibly trust our government anymore) Iran is developing a nuclear weapons program, can you blame them? One more than a few equations, bush administration officials said that "everything was on the table" regarding dealings with Iran. Mike Gravel said it best when he said that this was code for a nuclear attack. In fact, Ahmadinejad is unpopular with his own people for not doing enough to defend them. When threatened with nuclear attack, is it inconceivable for a nation to defend itself by attempting to build its own nuclear arsenal? After all, the only defense against nukes is a nuke.

After all, remember that 18-page letter that Ahmedinijad wrote to Bush explaining in plain and respectful language why the Iranian people were unhappy with the west? If you don't you could (and should) read it here. That was a call for negotiations, for some kind of dialogue, and maybe a truce. BUT OUR ADMINISTRATION BLEW IT OFF. It strikes me as inconceivable that our government would turn away what could be the last olive branch in this conflict.

If you watched the Republican debate, you already know that if any Republican other than Ron Paul is elected, we are going to war with Iran. I wouldn't put it past some of the lamer Democrats either.

If you think Iraq was a disaster, just wait until we dive into Iran. Mark my words, it would be a complete disaster.

My point here is that politicians lately have been throwing Iran and Ahmeninejad around in their speeches along with this "war on terror" (read: war on brown people). We need to think critically, and punish those who simply make things up. If we don't, we are doomed to a fate worse than Iraq.

I would love to hear your comments, and hopefully start some kind of a discussion.

No words...

I wasn't going to do a post today, but I'm still laughing over this. I can't... There's... I just...

Hell, just watch it.



Nancy Grace is a walking bag of bitch. She deserved it.

And for the six of you that actually read this blog, there is a new post coming very soon.

Some Stuff

Igor Writes-

We are now on Technorati! So you know what to do. Also, you may have noticed a little button at the bottom of each post with some pictures on it. That automatically submits each post to social networking, bookmarking, and blog post sites, and lets you "Digg Up" an already submitted post.

Thanks!

Last check: 190 unique readers!

How to properly "flame" a blog or forum:

1) Don't.



-A message to the internet from Igor.

OH MY CHRIST!! INTERNETS!!

Igor Writes-

So I went to Vegas for four days. I flew US Airways, which, as I now realize, was a huge mistake. Apparently, their headquarters in Pheonix (pictured below) had a computer malfunction which meant that the paperwork for our flight didn't show up. Because neither Pheonix nor JFK apparently have a fax machine, we had to sit there and wait at the terminal for 5 hours. Oh, did I mention that we got to the airport at 4am? Yeah, we were kinda tired.

US Airways' Pheonix Headquarters

Long story short, we made it, had a good vacation, and got back with no troubles. However, I've had a little trouble adjusting, as it was 100 degrees in Vegas and roughly 40 here. Cold, for anyone who knows me well, is my arch-enemy.

When I got back I realized that the internet did not pause and wait for me to get back, so my google reader inbox had about 50,000 items in it.

Lucky for you, this means that there will be a long post today!

First of all, for any of you unlucky enough to see Larry the Not-Really-Southern guy in Delta Farce won't know just how truly awful it is. Here's some idea for you.

Oh, and if you weren't aware, Larry The Cable Guy is faking the whole thing. This is him before his redneck fame:



Anyone think that Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector is a bit cryptic? Couldn't they have called it Larry the Health Inspector?

Ladies and gentlemen, the WORST VIDEO GAME EVER: Big Rigs


Continuing the theme of terrible terrible things:


If you haven't seen Cyanide and Happiness, you are missing a lot.

Author of "God is Not Great" Christopher Hitchens is awesome enough to be called a jackass by Sean Hannity.

Finally, Rabbit, a video that made me repeatedly say "what the shit?".

In Soviet Russia, Poltician Runs for Celebrity

Ernie Writes-
Yakov Smirnoff anyone?

We're reporting that Dreamworks is producing Billy's democratic primary ads.

Oh Billy what will you think of next?

What? It's first ad for the Niente website!

Ernie Writes-

Take a look at the trailer and then visit http://www.bonnutfilmstudio.com/niente.

Update: For no reason!

Igor Writes-

So there's a counter at the bottom of the blog. Notice that? Well right now it reads something around 400. I looked at the stats and saw that we have had 125 unique viewers! It blew my mind.

I'm thinking that when we hit 150, that may call for some kind of Niente party. Any thoughts?

What the hell is wrong with Russian music?

Igor Writes-

My friend Hayley sent me this video, demanding an explanation.



And with good reason, too. This needs to be explained. In order to to that, there are a number of things that the American population needs to understand about Russian culture and music.

1) There are no black people in Russia. This means that while R&B evolved from the blues here in the states, Russian people listened to folk songs played on acoustic guitar by drunk white people. Once American music started to leak in, Russian record companies were quick to make shitty carbon copies of good music and turn it into modern Russian pop and rap. Since there was no real basis for the evolution of this kind of music, it became terribly shitty. And since there was no talent pool for this type of thing, all Russian pop singers look good but have no talent.

Here's an example:



Hear that cheesy Eiffel 65-style voice manipulation? It's a good way to cover up a singer with no real ability. But as you'll see, it doesn't really matter anyway.

2) None of these people are actually singing. You'll notice, if you care to listen, that for some reason all the voices in mainstream Russian music sound the same. Explanation? There are only 5 real singers in all of Russia. A young male voice, and old male voice, a young female voice, a mature female voice, and a comedic cross dresser voice (you'll see why this one is needed later). Guess which one you hear in the first video? Anyway, they record a whole bunch of songs, and all the pretty faces lipsynch to the recordings.

3) Every year, all the famous lipsynchers in the country get together to do a concert on New Year's Eve. This tends to be half-musical, half-comedic, which probobly explains the first video. And of course, no one actually sings. If this still seems entertaining to you, you have to understand that this concert is then replayed for years and years, over and over on the same channels. You can't go to a grandparent's house without hearing it, and you can't go to a Russian restaurant without it playing on at least 3 TV's. It becomes soul-crushing.

Hope that helps a little.

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Random Internet Goodness!

Sometimes, the answer is not always C. This guy learned the hard way.
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Star Trek Inspirational Posters!






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Amazing Story: Edward Sanchez, POLICE OFFICER in Dearborn, Michigan, called 911 fearing that he and his wife had overdosed on MARIJUANA. For those of you who don't get the joke, no one overdoses on pot. No one. Here is a link to the MP3 of the actual phone call. You gotta hear this.
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After a heated exchange between Alberto Gonzalez and his interrogator, CNN's Jack Cafferty is right on when he calls Gonzo a "loser". Great video.


That's it for today. Did anyone notice something different about the title of the blog? Yeah, that will be changed every week, I've decided.

"Mr. Gonzalez, What DO You Know??"

Igor Writes-

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez is back on the stand this week over allegations that 8 US attorneys were fired for political differences under his watch. After making a complete idiot of himself the first time around, Gonzo continues to elude questions, throw the terms "I cannot recall" and "I can't talk about" around, and generally piss everyone off.

This was the boiling point of the afternoon.

The Best of TED

Update: Check it out: now you can submit any post to social bookmarking sites like Digg or Reddit. Just click the "bookmark" icon at the bottom of each post. If the item has already been submitted, you can add a vote for it.

Igor Writes-

For those of you who don't know, TED is an annual conference of influential people in Technology, Entertainment, and Design, in which members are given time to share ideas. Essentially, it's a genius competition. Here are my favorites (prepare to watch for a while) from this past convention.

Steven Levitt: The writer of Freakonomics discusses the structure of the Chicago drug industry and why most crack dealers live with their parents.



ZeFrank: The man behind the genius Show over at http://zefrank.com shares his thoughts on the internet. Hilarious.



Sir Ken Robinson: The creativity expect discusses how the American school system is designed to destroy creativity.



Malcolm Gladwell: The writer of The Tipping Point and Blink with a presentation called "What We Can Learn from Spaghetti Sauce".



If you're as fascinated by these as I am, check out the rest of them here.

Bear-rections

Igor Writes-

Somewhere, a product designer just got fired.




For the last week, our crack news team, which is two guys and a big pile of crack, have been watching Bush and the Queen of England as they skip hand in hand through meery-fun-land. We've been running a timer to determine how long it will take to embarass himself and the rest of the country.

The clock has now been stopped. President Bush accidentally implied that the Queen was 200 years old, then stared awkwardly at her until she looked back up, at which point the President of the United States winked at the Queen of England. Look, you can't imagine how awkward this is until you see the video.



Here's a video of James Randi, a world famous skeptic, talking about the myth of homeopathic medicine. Trust me, this is good.

Praise God on the Go

Ernie Writes-




The Colbert Church of Christ is now spreading the word of God via iTunes Podcasting. Now you have no excuses to miss your weekly prayer. So many other churches have it all wrong, traveling miles upon miles to distant lands to convert the sinners. Just integrate the word of God between Justin Timberlake and Gwen Stefani on their favorite play list.

Have a Look:
http://colbertcofc.podomatic.com/


"This Podcast is slammin'!"
-Buddy Christ

DEATH BY VIDEO!

Igor Writes-

A couple of tubes for you. (haha, get it?)





Don't forget, you can see all of my YouTube videos here.

When Google bought YouTube for ONE HUNDRED FILLION DOLLARS, the expected effects (other than the name being changed to GooTube, which makes me giggle) were improvements to the search function, which is essentially broken. Months later, nothing has changed. Christ.

Go ahead, search for a video that you don't already know exists. You'll see, the motherfucker doesn't work.

That being said, this is being done on Blogger, which is also owned by Google, so they might have my ass (which, I believe, is also owned by Google) for the criticism.

Short Story

Igor Writes-

Small bit-o-story for you today.

The other day, I was at a Panera (which is Italian for "bread orgasm"). I got a sandwich, and like most sandwiches, it was quite good. When the cashier rang it all up, she said, "OK, your total comes to $9.11", to which I replied, "oh, too soon".

I immediately regretted saying that.

I leave you with this picture, for which there need be no context:

Mrs. Queenie Goes To Town

Ernie writes-

Queen Elizabeth is finishing up her visit around the U.S. Let’s recap her tour.



Below is a photo of her with Vice President Cheney during their bi-centennial staring contest. Little does the Queen realize, Cheney’s most recent heart procedure has destroyed his ability to blink.



Here’s the Queen visiting Eeyore’s villa in Miami to collect her share of the profits for their joint Real Estate venture. Her total share was believed to amount to: 3 carrots, 1 half eaten jar of honey, and a button.



We had a correspondent at the day of the visit. Unfortunately Queen Elizabeth was unavailable for comment, but we did manage to speak with Eeyore in person. But before we could ask a question one of our interns accidentally knocked over the entire villa by exhaling too heavily. Our editor wrote Eeyore a check for $50.00 USD to replace the sticks that had been damaged. We assigned our intern to help re-build but Eeoyre denied the assistance explaining, “The intern was taking up too much space.”

Update...

Igor Writes-

Update from yesterday.

I made this!



And this!



I swear this is the last one.

Platinum Pants Are Not For Wearing!

Ernie Writes-



Administrative hearings judge, Roy Pearson, has been representing himself in a court case against a dry cleaning business that has misplaced his pants. These pants were part of a suit valued at approximately $1,200. Before this issue went to court, the owners of the dry cleaning business had offered a settlement on three different occasions. The first offer was for $3,000; the second was for $4,600; and the third was for $12,000. Fortunately Pearson did not yield and is now maintaining the case in court and suing the family for $65 Million Dollars.

You may say he's using poor judgment even for a judge! You may compare him to Hitler or David Berkowitz (Or his Dog for that matter). But the truth is, he needs this money. Why you say? I believe it is to fund research into the most unanswerable enigma plaguing our modern world. It's more mysterious than the building of the pyramids, the reason we exist, even more mysterious than the reason Blue Collar Comedy seems to be gaining so much momentum. This mystery is...what happens to all those pants at all of the dry cleaner businesses in America? Some say, they’ve been massed together and used to create the island known as Borneo. Others say they are just stored in Robin Williams’ back hair and are distributed among the poor during the winter. But to speculate is only to wonder! Do not stop this man and his crusade! This trial must go on!

Full Stoary Here:

Judge Sues Cleaner For $65M Over Pants

You can read, but you can't UNREAD!

Igor Writes-

Welcome to the best blog ever created. This is not stated opinion. This is fact. Look it up in Johnson's Big Book O' Shut Up. Over the next few days, you (the readers) and I (the other guy) will form a lasting friendship. You will buy me dinner, and I will watch you as you sleep.

But also, I'll bring you updates about NIENTE, which is easily the best thing ever. And, when I'm not sleeping, I will personally scour the web and pop culture to bring you everything you will ever need to know.

I remind you, this is not a choice.

Now watch this video and weep with joy!



Also, this is Kucinich's wife:

Hottest first lady ever?