Monday, June 15, 2009

The Monthly Telegraph (Jun '09)

Sir Rutherford Welch writes-

Well! It's been quite a month! My dear master Ernie Zahn tells me that there have been many many shoots since the beginning of May. I was rather humdefulgeded at how many shoots there have been! Whew! Ernie promises to bring you all, many stories and photos from the past shoots.

While we were swapping syllabic noises, he told me that many production companies are trying to boost movie going interest by introducing a third dimension of viewing. Little did I realize that there was a third dimension to be examined! I thought I was a cartoon character! Now that I've discovered this new area of space, I feel as though there is oh so much elbow room for my enormous elbows. I feel great now, but I was having a bit of tantrum when Ernie told me I was a real person living in three dimensions. To calm me down he gave me a handful of pills that looked like this:

Now I'm loooopyy....doooopppyyy...dooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Yaahahaahahahahahahahah! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy! Gooood shoowww!.,ljbggdjrxjrfccnv gyhg

(72 hours later...)

Oh, I see I'm still writing on the blog. Well, I shan't delete my previous comments, I believe that one's personality is defined by one's actions and I'm truly not a cartoon character.

Anyway, did you know that there is a dinosaur still roaming the Earth? I thought his show was canceled eons ago!:

I love you potatosaurus!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Monthly Telegraph (May '09)

Sir Rutherford Welch has taken ill, I'm going to be taking over and I'll try to emulate him to best of my abilities.

Ernie writes-

My word what have you people done?! Robots in car factories, automated check out stations at retail stores, robots that can diagnose autism and now social robots that are meant to comfort humans!

As it states in the article:

Inventors describe their efforts to design robots that can interact with people on a deeper level...
Now in my time we may have kept robots as freaky sex objects as seen below

But to connect with them emotionally? Is that asbestos finally getting to our head?

Now I hear on the portable Victrola called NPR that scientists at Yale and MIT are developing robots that are self aware! Self aware! Oh my-my...word! Somebody call John Connor!

There he is! Whew, now I'm not worried. Wait...wait a second now what are they doing?! Oh my God, they're upstaging John Williams!

NOOOOOOOO! WHY?! And what's this? A defector! It seems that our beloved Yo-Yo Ma is in cahoots! Why? Why? He was one of the good ones!

If you can stomach it, here is the footage. Please keep small children away:

What can we do to stop this madness! Perhaps we can call up that 80's group Madness to have benefit concert to get people to realize the severity of this growing robot threat. Please Madness if you can hear me, save the day!

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Monthly Telegrapgh (Apr '09)

Greetings one and all! If you've been keeping up with my Tweets on mine twitter: or if you read last month's post, you'd know that I've been upgraded from Ernie's basement to his couch. Now that money is tighter than the Queen's bottom, or the Prince's for that matter, I need to start pulling my weight round-about this domicile. Ernie has granted me residence on his couch under the condition that I find a job and procure some dead presidents, which in turn will allow us to acquire bread to be placed on the dinner table. Knowing only a luxurious life of Ernie's basement, feasting on mold to my hearts content, I'm not really sure what this "bread" can really offer me.

Thus far, it has been quite difficult finding a job. Whilst engaging in my noble search, I found a $5 bill under the couch cushions! That was a glorious day! Instead of simply spending the money on frivolous pursuits, I decided this money would be better off being invested. Thus, I decided to stroll down to the local market called, Walgreens. There are all sorts of vendor booths in this (indoor) market. Oddly enough, there are no vendors at their booths. It was very curious. I went to the cereal booth and there was no one. The same was true at the cosmetics booth, the toys booth and even the cold drinks booth. In fact, I could only find vendors at the cigar/candy booth, the apothecary booth and the mobile/stagnant pictures booth. Someone should inform the managers of Walgreens market that unattended booths spell high levels of thievery!

I resolved by investing in something that truly yields a profit, for my taste buds and mustache! I am speaking of course of, Rolos. Yummy, yummy Rolos in many forms. Just look at these many triumphant forms:

What great goody greatness! That g-g-g-great goody goody greatness will only be greater if Nestle had me coming up with their further Rolo incarnations! Come to think of it, I believe I know what job I'm going to go after. I believe I will be a think tank for Rolo! I will keep you posted.

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Monthly Telegrapgh (Mar '09)

It's month three of me living in Ernie's dark, leaky basement. I'm enjoying myself quite a bit down here. I found a gold mine of fungus and mushrooms growing around the water heater down here. They are truly scrumptious little things. I particularly love when I find small morsels trapped in my mustache from time to time. They make for a fine snack treat!

Anyway, one day I was getting especially anxious in this wonderfully humid dank so much so that I began eating the drywall. To calm me down, Ernie bought me a device called an iPhone. If you don't already know what an iPhone is, it is a audible/mobile telegraph that can fit inside your pocket. It fires signals up to the cosmos that are then reflected by a fine china dish floating in the heavenly realm, back down to this flat blue planet we live on. It is a popular method to communicate to other bi-peds like you and me.

Besides this, it also has a mobile web for spiders, a miniature victrola, a miniature movie theater and I recently acquired a very small bird called twitter which I have inserted into my iPhone. You see, I tell this bird what's going on in my life and this small bird tells others of my exploits. When I write "I'm taking the GREs." I may bump into a chum later who might say, "A little bird told me that you are taking the GREs" and I'd say "Yes, my little twitter must have mentioned that!" It's marvelous what you can do with birds these days! In my time they were used for hunting runaway worms or sent into coal mines for sport. Perhaps even on occasion as an aphrodisiac.

If you would like to follow my birds tweeting just click here and do so my friends!

Please enjoy these two videos by my dear whom I hope to be friend, David Lynch:

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Monthly Telegrapgh (Feb '09)

A miracle! That's what I've discovered in Ernie Zahn's living room! While I'm looking for a place to stay, Ernie has been kind of enough to let me sleep in his home's crawl space. Well, it's Monday, so he always generously let's me out to see the light and gives me some food!

Whilst being in a bit of a trance due to malnourishment, I wandered into Ernie's living room and discovered an odd looking box. Ernie turned it on for me and I saw pictures...and...they were coming alive! He told me the device was based on a technology called motion pictures. I seem to recall such an invention in my time, but I thought it was a thing that was only frequented by unsavory men who'd like to sneak a peek at ladies' ankles (hehehe)!

I also recall however, that there was a man in a small room projecting these living pictures. I was pleased to find that when I stood in front of this device, which Ernie called a letter T and a letter V, that my shadow was not cast across its screen.

When I asked Ernie what sort of grains must be fed to this TV to keep it sustained, there was a bit of a silence. He then began explaining that this device is powered by something called electricity. Whatever it is, it sounds delicious and I will try it someday.

This new device is a bit overwhelming and quite confusing. My sentiments only increased when Ernie started mentioning things like "TV will switch to DTV in 2009." After hearing this my heart skipped a beat when I realized that people were still cutting of switches to discipline animals.

I was growing worried that this change to DTV would be too much for me to take right now but was relieved to hear that the change date has been moved from February to June. Thank my lucky German helmet!

I was even more relieved to see I'm not the only one who's confused about all this! Below, is a small living picture window with a very small lady who's speaking my language! Let' have a look:

That's one fine gal! Perhaps her and I can push a hoop down a road on our way to a nice box social!

BTW, I found this living picture box on a youtubery binge. Thank you to DTV2009 for a PSA!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

New Title for Niente: The Movie?

Ernie writes-

Someone on the Niente team, and I won't say who (OLD MAN STROLL!!!!!!), wants to change the title of Niente: The Movie. We've been having a tough time coming up with a good name, so we want to here from all of you niente peaches out there! Thinking of a new movie title is a tall order especially when all you have to go on for the plot is a dancing ostrich and Igor dressed as Shrek meets the Texas chainsaw Massacre:

Yeah...that's what I mean.

Anyway, what you need is a good run through of the plot, well here you go:

So there's this scientist named Claudio Chiuso who experiments with ocular frequencies. His next project, which he calls "Immaculate Perception," is supposed to adjust the eye to be able to see God in Heaven. Well, he succeeds! Yaay! Get this, God turns out to be a skinny 20 year old white kid with beautiful locks of brown hair. Kind of like this:

Yeah...that's what I mean.

Anyway, this God character decides that the cat's out of the bag now! So he might as well address the public, do a few miracles and see what happens later that night. Turns out, everybody in the world freaks! World War III breaks out and (publicly) God seems disappointed and angry but really he and his angels planned all of this! God and his apostolic/angelic cronies want humanity to destroy itself so they can justify declaring Judgment Day! You see, God and his buddies want to take over the Earth and turn it into Eden once more so they have a cool place to go to during the summer. I don't know if you know this but Heaven is dreadful in the winter and they've only got basic cable. Yeah, so God declares judgment day, but the humans don't take this lying down. The U.S. government meets with the President at the Pentagon to come up with a genius plan! They say "Hey! If we declare war on God and win, then America can rule the world!" And so every nation of the world comes to same conclusion and launches their own campaign against Heaven. Turns out bullets didn't really take against these holy beings. So every nation is blasted back to the stone age. But right in the last moments of humanity's end, one brave knight, named Charlie Kemp, stood tall and and decided to fight for the salvation of the good in all of us. Here's what he looks like:

Yeah...that's what I mean. (Hey! I know that guy! His feet smell!)

Will Charlie Kemp win? You just gotta see Niente: The Movie to find out! Or maybe it won't be Niente: The Movie, maybe it'll be Captain Angry Pants Does it Again!: The Movie

You can help us decide! Let us know what you think!! You can let us know by visiting this place: . Just sign in if you're a niente peach! Not a niente peach? Sign up for free today! Jut use that same link and click register! It's fast and free! If you sign up, then I'll let you dream about me!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Movie Update: Shooting in Israel!

Ernie Writes-

You heard correctly, we've just returned from shooting (umm...that is...filming) in the holy land! Well, actually I didn't go, our buddy Old Man Stroll did! That's right Old Man Stroll, who portrays Charlie Kemp, filmed in the old city of Jerusalem and in the surrounding dessert this holiday season! Quite a step up from last year when we were filming in crappy old Connecticut! I hate this state! And fuck Tom Stroll! I want to go to Israel! I hate that kid!

There will be a follow up to this post in which Tom will share his experiences on this, the holiest of movie sets. Also! Stay tuned for another column by Sir Rutherford Welch in February! Anyway, here are some stills from Tom's adventure (fuck Tom Stroll!):