What the hell is wrong with Russian music?

Igor Writes-

My friend Hayley sent me this video, demanding an explanation.



And with good reason, too. This needs to be explained. In order to to that, there are a number of things that the American population needs to understand about Russian culture and music.

1) There are no black people in Russia. This means that while R&B evolved from the blues here in the states, Russian people listened to folk songs played on acoustic guitar by drunk white people. Once American music started to leak in, Russian record companies were quick to make shitty carbon copies of good music and turn it into modern Russian pop and rap. Since there was no real basis for the evolution of this kind of music, it became terribly shitty. And since there was no talent pool for this type of thing, all Russian pop singers look good but have no talent.

Here's an example:



Hear that cheesy Eiffel 65-style voice manipulation? It's a good way to cover up a singer with no real ability. But as you'll see, it doesn't really matter anyway.

2) None of these people are actually singing. You'll notice, if you care to listen, that for some reason all the voices in mainstream Russian music sound the same. Explanation? There are only 5 real singers in all of Russia. A young male voice, and old male voice, a young female voice, a mature female voice, and a comedic cross dresser voice (you'll see why this one is needed later). Guess which one you hear in the first video? Anyway, they record a whole bunch of songs, and all the pretty faces lipsynch to the recordings.

3) Every year, all the famous lipsynchers in the country get together to do a concert on New Year's Eve. This tends to be half-musical, half-comedic, which probobly explains the first video. And of course, no one actually sings. If this still seems entertaining to you, you have to understand that this concert is then replayed for years and years, over and over on the same channels. You can't go to a grandparent's house without hearing it, and you can't go to a Russian restaurant without it playing on at least 3 TV's. It becomes soul-crushing.

Hope that helps a little.

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That's it for today. Did anyone notice something different about the title of the blog? Yeah, that will be changed every week, I've decided.